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if you think about it too hard, you lose it

6 October 2007

Saturday, Oct 6
Did I not run thurs? hm. I guess not. Too busy being a procrastinating comedy genius
9:49-10:09, walk 10 minutes back to campus.

Killers started out, “if you can hold on” aint it the truth
signed sealed delivered—Stevie Wonder (perfect pace starter at start of run)
let’s get it on—Marvin Gaye
stay, wasting time—DMB
crazy—Gnarls Barkely
2nd Gun—Volcano I’m Still Excited (figured it out)
Gravity—John Mayer
Gotta get through this
Billy liar
posed to death–The Faint, last 2 minutes
Heard the world—O.A.R. huh. Nice.
Time—Tom Yorke (good middle-end of run song)
The way I are
I wanna dance with somebody—Whitney Houston (back at home, dancing in the kitchen)

Hm. Not really a run where I smelled anything. Or saw too many interesting people, or felt or thought too much. Just ran. Just moved. And it was amazing, from the second I started moving my feet on the pavement when Stevie Wonder came on, it just felt NATURAL and RIGHT. A slow, but steady and natural pace. And I didn’t over-think, I didn’t even think about my breathing too much, a little, but I was just able to move and move and keep moving. And it was relatively easy. It got challenging to keep motivated around 15 minutes, and again before the last 2 I almost stopped but I wouldn’t let myself. The Faint and stubborn pride kept me going, and I ran my 30 minutes.

Again, didn’t notice too much around me, not even the beautiful day. Today it was more about just doing it. Being pissed at myself for being a self-conscious mess sometimes, and being just worried enough about the fuzz in my brain, that feeling that I can’t concentrate or focus, that I’m slipping into that place where I’m not sharp or I’m not ME. So you’re damn right I’m going to run 30 minutes no matter what. And so I did.
(thank god)

But now I am going to overanalyze just a little. It is, after all, what I do. And I promise I’m not even TRYING to draw together metaphors, it’s all just kind of appearing before me.
They all work better when they feel natural, when I’m not trying too hard, when I’m not expecting too much or forcing too much.

This has been the week of having moments where I felt things weren’t in sync. Like LEGOs that look like they should fit together but won’t snap. Like a zipper getting stuck at the bottom rung and refusing to budge. Like not being able to remember something that’s on the tip of my brain.

I felt bad about last night’s show, because I was letting myself feel bad about last night’s show. From Story on, I told myself I did something wrong, and gave self-conscious-me permission to hang out and keep on judging the rest of the night.

Jeff told me you have to make a conscious decision to be at ease and feel trust. And I don’t think of it that way. It’s so HARD and Zen-like to decide to be at ease and trust, while not deciding too hard to the point that you’re TRYING to be at ease and trust.
Like holding water in your hand.
Or those squiggly gel toys that slip when you squeeze too hard.
Or like that Wallace Stevens poem when you think about it…

“I do not know which to prefer, 

The beauty of inflections

Or the beauty of innuendoes, 

The blackbird whistling 

Or just after.”

If you think about it too hard, you lose it.
I don’t know.

Running today was just easy. There wasn’t forcing the effort, just effort. And when improv is good there isn’t forcing the trust and ease, there’s just trust and ease.
And when a relationship is good there’s not forcing the connection, the connection is just there.

And I don’t know what the secret is to all of it. I guess I’m also not required to.
I just need to stop being so damn hard on myself. And start being more open to whatever, to change and surprise, and then going with it.

sidenote: when I’m listening to Spoon I can’t NOT hipster dance. It’s just not possible.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. arthi permalink
    10 October 2007 9:57 pm

    you hipster. love.

  2. Aaron permalink
    11 October 2007 12:40 pm

    I’m inspired to become a runner now…… starting next year or something.

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