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i’m getting old

3 November 2007

Sat Nov 3
27 days until the big race
today’s iMix:
Signed sealed delivered—stevie
Look at me now—Frank Sinatra
Faded—Soul decision
Fat Bottomed Girls—Queen
All of your love–hellogoodbye
I want you back—N’Sync (Not even really being ironic. I still love them. Maybe I always will.)
In My Place—Coldplay
Pink Traingle—Weezer
Woman–Wolfmother
Cable Car—The Fray
They are Night Zombies!!—Sufjan (god, I love this song)

Depression says “I don’t really feel like running. It’s not fun anymore. I don’t think I can do it.”
And I say, “F* you. Let’s go running. I’m going running, and you’re coming with me.”

Uuuuuuugh. It hurts again.
Ran 17, walk 5, ran 5. Shiz I’m sweaty today! It’s still warm outside. Weather Widget says 47 degrees, but it’s got to be warmer than that. My sweat is freaking stinging my face. What is that? Am I toxic now? Am I full of bad “humor” and is it coming out in the form of perspiration? Am I a medieval doctor all of a sudden?!
Nothing is grosser than forearm sweat. Ew ew! Get off me!

After a walk break, was going to start running again. I said “but it hurts…” and then I told me, “I don’t care.”…I said “I don’t care” in manner of Jason Schwartzman in Hotel Chevalier.

I give my pain the attention of a cool, detatched ex-lover. I don’t care.

I’m getting so old…lately I’ve been having what I’m categorizing as “adult thoughts”:
–Missing grandpa and feeling the remorse that I can never get time back with him.
–Getting to the point that I sometimes can’t remember which cutesy inside joke or adorably quirky anecdote goes with which ex-boyfriend. God! That’s sad! I don’t know, maybe it’s a good sign of moving on, not being stuck in the past, etc. Or maybe it’s early onset Alzheimer’s. Could be that.

I like feeling sore. It reminds me I’m alive, especially on days when I am otherwise emotionally bland. I can’t remember the last time I cried. This may not sound atypical for most people, but for me it’s kind of bizarre. I’m a fairly emotional gal. There’ve been spans of my life when (btw, I like the conjunction “there’ve”. Take a second and say it out loud. You’ll see what I mean.) I could sooner point out the days that I DIDN’T cry as the unusual ones. Ha. These were mostly times I was in relationships…
is she joking?!
Anyway though, lately I’ve been having a content span with my life. Not complaining, content is good. And I’ve had great moments over the past few weeks. But overall I feel I’ve been living safely in between the extremes. So I haven’t cried. Haven’t really felt snot-dripping, gasping-for-air catharsis in quite some time.
Is it weird that I almost count this as a bad thing?
Hm. Well anyway physical pain reminds me that I’m alive.
No, I’m not a masochist.
Crap.
This got weird.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. arthi permalink
    19 November 2007 8:20 am

    you write pretty.

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