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looking for those windows

21 January 2009

Last Monday I auditioned for a play (not as in, the day before yesterday, but a week before the day before yesterday. It should be noted that I wanted to write about it that night…but didn’t. my feelings have of course evolved in these days since. Callbacks, casting, and all that. Read on.).

if you change your mind...i'll be first in line...Last Monday I auditioned for a play. I did this for a few reasons.
–Seeing my movie again around Christmas reminded me how much I really like acting. And really miss it. There was a time, circa 2000, when I thought it was maybe what i really wanted to do. I made choices and moved toward writing instead, but often I still feel the itch. I remember the talk-back session after my high school theatre group saw Mamma Mia! in St Louis (because I was the kid in theatre groups who went to talk-back sessions), and the vivacious actress who plays the mom’s zany friend (the take a chance on me one) said: if you have a gift and you don’t give it, you’ll whither away. Kind of a bizarre, threatening charge for an 18 year old to take in, now that i think about it. But true, i think, of creative work in general.
DAMN that was a long tangent.
–I thought a new creative outlet might be a good jolt to lift me out of my current funk. Give my brain a new challenge.
–There’s something about being a part of a cast, working together for a finite period of time to make something that won’t ever happen again.
–Boys Next Door is a moving play, both funny and tragic. The part i wanted is Sheila, half of a sweet and simplistic love story between two mentally disabled adults. I love the idea that everyone can be loved.

So I was excited, right? I went into the auditions not sure what to expect, and not too hopeful since it’s been years since I’ve acted onstage (well, you know, years since the scripted, non-black-shirt-wearing kind of onstage). The auditions were held in the third floor of the Landers Theatre building, which has been there going on 100 years, a delightfully decrepit space with exposed brick, creaking wood floors, numbers etched in glass above the door-frames.
I was there for nearly two hours, waiting for my three turns to do readings from the script. I left feeling confident that I might get called back, but not quite sure.
At least feeling a particular kind of alive that comes from few other experiences.

And I did get called back.
And I felt even more confident. Four women called back for two female roles. I got ahead of myself. I started imagining post-rehearsal cast parties, and photo call poses, and sketching out my playbill bio in my head…

I think you can guess where this is going…
My weekends in March are freer than they might have been…
And I keep looking for the silver lining. I know It Wasn’t Meant to Be and it Turned Out Like It Should Have, and I even found a couple other audition opportunities as a result of doing some post-no-cast searching.

come on!But it’s hard not to feel a little, “COME ON!”, right? (said in manner of Gob. Or, if I’m feeling really dramatic, Job. Either one.) Like Hey God, i get it with all the closed doors. So bring on those proverbial windows. Whenever you’re ready.

Or, what happens when optimism doesn’t seem to apply? When it’s no longer a question of is the glass half empty or half full. It just feels empty. I guess then you say, at least I have a glass…

Why, oh why, does my sad mind think in cliches?! Gross. Okay less depressing (and meandering. and cliche-filled.) post coming soon.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. 23 January 2009 4:30 pm

    What kind of theatre? Community? Semi-professional?

    Congrats on the callback, btw. Must’ve really liked you if two hours worth of people was narrowed down to you and three others. :D

  2. 26 January 2009 8:13 pm

    We should write a two woman show together and put it on.

    How sick would that be?

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